Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Relationship Confession

I have a circle of friends and family that are trustworthy, loving, and giving. All of my relationships flourish and get better with time.

Saturday, January 19, 2013 – Drawing Boundaries in Relationships

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A TVI:JWJ Reader Is Having Problems With Her Boyfriend

Relationship Question from a TVI:JWJ Reader

Two Palm Trees Metaphor for Separation

For those of you who are avid TVI:JWJ readers, you know that I love taking pictures because I often see the world through pictures. I was sitting outside my sister’s job one day waiting for her to come out when I noticed the trees below.  I think that these trees struck a chord with me because I am constantly trying to understand the human need for connectedness and to discover for myself how much or how little connectedness I really need.   I am constantly trying to find a healthy balance of connectedness, but more importantly trying to be careful that I have chosen the right people to be connected to.  Do you all understand what I am saying?  Am I the only one who ponders these thoughts?

Anyway, the palm trees reminded me of the many relationship that no longer work and that have become distant.  When I saw the trees, I thought to myself, “What are the options that should be taken when a personal relationship (friend, family, marriage) looks like these trees?”.  Should a person, 1) leave the relationship, 2) repair the relationship, or 3) stay in the relationship even though they are clearly separated.  I do not know why this picture caused me to think in this way, but I do not believe that anything is an accident, so I decided to share my thoughts and feelings with you the readers.

Leave a comment and give your impressions or feelings about these trees and how they relate to relationships in your life.  If you were describing your own relationships, how would your tree and the tree of the person or people in your life look?  Please share your story here in the comments section because they really help other people.

A male friend said, “I just don’t understand women!”

It’s funny how I am the friend who other friends usually confide in about issues that they are having in their lives.

The other day a male friend of mine called me very upset. He wanted to vent about an argument that he was having with his girlfriend. I said o.k. let me hear it. He told me about the argument and ended his statement with, “I just don’t understand what women want!” I heard the exasperation and desperation in his voice. I felt that I needed to tell him a hard, yet underrated truth. I said, “I think that may be your problem.” He said, “What do you mean?” I said, “Believe it or not, all women are NOT the same. All women don’t believe the same things, eat the same food, educate at the same places, have all of the same hobbies. Get the point? If women can have so much variety, why are you focusing on what “women” want? If you focus on what women want, you will never learn to please your girlfriend. I laughed, like I usually do and I said, look my friend, stop worrying about what “women” want and start focusing on your girlfriend’s wants and needs. She should be the focus of your education of her and with her. When you learn her habits, care about her feelings, and seek to please her, not only will she be pleased with you, but she will more than likely, extend the same courtesy to you.”

He understood, but found it hard to believe that his relationship issue could be resolved that easily. I told him to try it and let me know if this does not work.

What do you all think? Feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you think.

“Like”, “Love”, or “In-Love”

All I can say is “wow!” I have been spending time with a few guys lately and all I can is, “It’s a jungle out there!” The idea of dating is a joke because MOST men think that dating means that I am willing to have sex with them and that is NOT the case. I don’t have sex outside of marriage but I am noticing that MOST men, or at least the ones that I have met, keep trying to push the envelope on that issue. Ok, let me calm down, cause this topic really gets me UPSET. Anyway, I felt the need to speak out about an issue that has been plaguing me when it comes to men. Please understand that I am simply speaking for myself in this matter and NOT all women. In my time of “old school dating (meeting or having dinner with a man)”, I have noticed that the men that I have dated do not listen, value, or care about the opinions or feelings of me as woman. I also feel like they really don’t value any women at all but they think that they have just enough game to change my mind about my personally beliefs and feelings about life, love, sex, etc. In speaking for myself, I must first say, that I HATE it when other people try to speak or think for me. I can do both of those things quite well for myself. Secondly, I am an adult woman, not a child, this means that I am capable of making my own decisions. With that being said, when I say that I “like” a guy I know what that means and I mean it. When I say that I “love” a guy, I mean that too. When I say that I am “in love” with a guy, I would mean that too, although I have never said these words yet. The men that I have spent time with continuously try to tell me what I think and how I feel. How insane is that?! How I feel and what I think are ideas that must come through me. Maybe children or people with low self-esteem would fall for such silly shenanigans….but I really wish that men would stop playing this game. It’s dumb!!!

When I say, “I like you” to a guy I simply mean that I am interested in getting to know him. I am also saying that there is something about him that interest me enough to want to take the time to know him better. It’s also important to note that I abhor wasting my time, so being liked is a good thing for a man in my world. Being “liked” however is just my first stage of interest. After I have shared with a guy that I like him it is up to him, in my world, to take the next step as a man if there is going to be a next step. If a man never makes the next step, then I totally understand and I do not do anything to change his mind.

When I say that I “love” a guy, I simply mean that I love him. The Greek language has several tenses of the word “love”. When I say that I love a guy I am using the phileo type of love. This kind of love means that I have fond feelings of him and that I think he is a great man. I must admit that I love all of the men that I have attempted to date, but I have not been “in love” with any of them.

Now, here is the big kahuna for me. I have never been “in love” with a man; therefore I have never used these words. In the Greek language the words used for being in love are ” eros” and “agape” . These two love types mean that the love feelings expressed are romantic and long-lasting types of love. Anyway, I make this distinction because I would like to make it clear that I am not confused about how I feel as a woman. I know when I am in love and I also know when I am NOT in love……and to date I have NEVER been in love. For me, the guy has to DO a lot of things to make me fall in love with him. First he would need to love and serve God, be honest (integrous), be respectful to himself, to me, and to others, be loving to himself and to me, be self-motivated, successful, kind, decisive but not rude, and consistent in our relationship. I am a woman that would never fall in love with empty words. If I ever fall in love, it will be with a man who loves God, seems to keep his word, works hard, and who seems to be honest. I understand that one can never really “know” someone but we can know them based on what they say and do at a particular time. I just had to say this as some men think that it is ok to be inconsistent and inconsiderate in a relationship with me but somehow that I will fall in love with them anyway. This will NOT happen!!! Love happens for me in my head first and if a man and a relationship do not make sense to my intellect, then neither he nor the relationship, will ever make it to my heart.

I know this is deep, but I had to say it, just food for thought. Please leave a comment if you would also like to share an experience.

Do You Want a Man Who Is Protective?

I don’t mean to exclude the men on this blog, but this blog is for the ladies.  I have been having discussions with women who are married and single.  After speaking to these women, I came away with the notion that women today may be very disturbed by the idea that today’s men are not as protective as women would like for them to be.

If you are married, was a man’s protectiveness of you a criteria for you to marry him?  If you are single, do you want a man who is protective of you and your future family, or do you want a man who pushes you out of the way to avoid danger in order to save himself (lol)?

Please be candid if you decide to comment as the Journey With Judith community would love to hear your voice.

Why Do Some Men Like to Play Games Instead of Being Honest in a Relationship?

 

I received this question from Stephanie R. when I was preparing for the JWJ Blog about a year ago.  I always want to have open relationship dialogue on JWJ because I think that it is important.

I think that the answer to this question is very interesting.  Men that play relationship games are not mature men yet, they are merely males.  When I was a little girl my Dad spent a lot of time with me.  He took me school shopping every year until I was 14 years old.  He took me to the bank and taught me how to bank and how to save money.  He took me out to eat every week just to talk to me about what was on my mind.  During one of our outings, my Dad told me, “Judi, when a man wants you, he will do anything to show you that he wants you to be his woman.  He will not stop at anything (in a positive way not a dangerous one) to make you his woman.  He will protect you, respect you, provide for you, and love you.”  If you meet a man that does not show you the adoration and respect that you deserve then understand that he is not the one for you.  My Dad said that a man should be able to tell the woman that he loves her first.  The man is supposed to state his intentions with a woman and then the woman decides if she is interested in his offer.   A woman should be waiting until the man reveals his love for her.  If he does not reveal his love then you have to understand that he does NOT love you.

I think that if a woman notices that a man is playing games, she should sit down and have a talk with him.  Find out if he is really playing games or not, perhaps he has some kind of insecurity that he is trying to hide.  If the guy cannot tell you how he feels for and about himself, then you have a problem.  Furthermore, if a man cannot clearly tell you what he thinks about you and how he feels about you (2 different questions), then I would suggest leaving that guy alone.

What do you all think about this topic?  Why do some men like to play games instead of just being honest in a relationship?  I would love to hear from both men and women on this one.  Let’s talk!

I Met Him at a Party, But Why?

When I hung out with friends I was approached by a man who said, “I know that you have a man, but I think that you are beautiful.”  The unknown guy began a conversation with me and I told him that I did not have a man.  A few minutes into the conversation I was asked the following questions:

1. Are you married?  Have you ever been married?  Do you want to be married?

2. Do you have any children?

3. Are you available later?

After I answered the guy’s questions, I asked him a few questions:

1. Are you married?  Have you ever been married?  Do you have a girlfriend?  Do you have a woman in your life that loves you but maybe you don’t love her back?  Do you have anyone else in your life male or female that thinks that they are in a relationship with you (if you all know like I know you need to ask deep probing questions and not just scratch the surface because there are men out there that will deceive you)? I am asking these questions in a joking way, but I am still watching and listening for his responses.

2. Do you have children?  Do you support them financially (to me this questions is majorly important because any man who can leave behind and not support children would at any moment leave behind and not support me)?

Next, we are sitting there and in usual form I was making jokes and making him laugh.  Before I knew it, the gentleman began to turn the conversation towards his desire to have sex with me.  At that moment, the room went dark for me and the imaginary spotlight turned on me.  I thought to myself, “He has no idea how ignorant he sounds right now!”  First off, I don’t know him!!!!  I hold an advanced degree in public health and you will never have sex with me without first being married to me and second without having a full blood work-up  & examination by a doctor’s office.  I hope that everyone understands that there is NO relationship worth dying for.  African-American women, especially those living in Southern regions, have and are at the highest risk for HIV/AIDS, not to mention the rise in Herpes cases all across America.  I hope that all women require this much of men but I know these days they do not.

My Daddy and brother used to talk when I was a young girl.  They would laugh because they understood that men put women into CATEGORIES. Men think that some women are just for fun so they use them in that way because those women ALLOW themselves to be used.  Men think that other women are for short-term commitments, while they (men) get their emotional and physical needs met.  Lastly, there is another category of  women who are for settling down with and raising a family.  We always have to ask ourselves as women, which category we want to be in because in reality WE CHOOSE the type of woman we will be categorized as.  Depending on how you represent, men will treat a woman accordingly.

So my question always becomes,  since I present like a descent women, I am dressed cutely yet appropriately, I am educated, I have class in varying situations, and I am friendly when approached, then why do men treat me like I am in the fun category?  I just have to ask because I am tired of disrespectful men approaching me like I am the “jump off” woman when I am indeed “a lady” and I expect to be treated as such.  I think that maybe the men of today are so used to having many women to “play” with, that they do not understand when they have met a “woman”.  So I believe, if a man does not know when he has met a woman, then he does not deserve to know or have a woman.  Whenever I see a man fall into this category I jokingly use the song line from the TLC Hip Hop group of the 1990’s, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you are used to.”  Needless to say, this chance meeting with this guy was going nowhere. I met him at a party, but why?  Lol!

Let me know what you think and what your experiences have been.

Reference:

Center for Disease Control (2010). HIV/AIDS Fact Sheet. Retrieved March 21, 2010 from the CDC website: http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/aa/resources/factsheets/aa.htm

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